Dating after divorce over 50

Is there a right time to start?

There isn't a right time, but there are good signs. Divorce later in life often follows a long marriage, and the end can come as a shock or as a relief after years of drifting. Either way, the urge to "get back out there" and the readiness to enjoy it don't always arrive together.

These are better guides than the calendar:

• You can talk about your ex without it taking over. A sentence or two, then you're happy to change the subject.
• You're curious, not looking for a rescue. You'd like company and a laugh, rather than someone to make the hurt stop.
• Your days have a shape of their own. Friends, routines and things you enjoy, so a date is a bonus rather than the whole week.
• The practical side is settled or in hand. More on that below.

If you're not there yet, there's no harm in making a profile and simply looking around. Browsing on Fish for Silver Singles is free, so you can see who's about from the shore before you decide to go in.

Know where you stand legally first

Before you date seriously, it helps to know exactly where your divorce has got to, because the law treats you as married until it's finished. The rules depend on where you live.

Living apart, in Irish law, can include living under the same roof but no longer as a couple. That matters to people who stayed in the family home for financial reasons.

Being separated but not yet divorced is common, and it doesn't stop you meeting people. It does mean being upfront about it, which we come to below.

Sort the money and the home before you share them

Divorce over 50 usually means dividing things that took decades to build: a house, savings and, often the biggest asset of all, pensions. GOV.UK lists pensions, property, savings and investments among the things you and your ex need to agree on, and says a share of a pension, including the State Pension, can be part of the settlement.

Two points are worth knowing before a new relationship gets serious:

1. An agreement isn't binding until the court says so. In England and Wales, if you agree how to divide money and property, you apply for a consent order to make it legally binding. Without one, financial claims can stay open.
2. A new partner can complicate unfinished business. Moving someone in, or buying something together, while your settlement is still being worked out can raise questions you'd rather not answer in front of a judge. Take advice first.

Mediation can help you reach an agreement without a court fight. In Ireland, the Family Mediation Service is free and run by the Legal Aid Board, though there can be a waiting list. Our guide to money, homes and living together covers the questions that come up later, when you meet someone new.

Update your will, and the people named in it

A will written during your marriage may no longer say what you want. GOV.UK advises reviewing your will when you separate or divorce, and adds that getting married cancels any will you made before. In Ireland, marrying or entering a civil partnership also revokes an existing will, unless it was written with that marriage in mind.

While you're at it, check who you've named elsewhere: pension nomination forms, life insurance, and any lasting power of attorney. These often still name a former spouse years after the divorce. None of this is romantic, but it's the kind of tidying that lets you relax into something new.

What to say about your marriage

Say a little, say it kindly, and say it in the past tense. Your date will want to know you're single, and that you're not still fighting the last war.

An example you could adapt: "I was married for 27 years. We separated two years ago and the divorce is final now. We're civil, and the children are grown." That's enough for a first date.

If you're still separated rather than divorced, say that too: "We separated last year and the divorce is going through. I'm in no rush, but I'd like to start meeting people." Some people will prefer to wait, and that's their call. Far better they know now than feel misled later.

Things to leave for another day:

• who was to blame
• the legal fight, the money, the lawyers
• comparing your date with your ex, in either direction.

Your profile can carry the same tone. "Divorced, happily on my own two feet, ready for some good company" says a lot in a line. Our page on how it works explains what a profile includes.

Feelings you might not expect

Dating after a long marriage can stir things up. Guilt, even if you were the one who left. Grief for the life you'd planned. Nerves you haven't felt since your twenties. Sometimes a surprising lightness, too.

All of it is normal. A few things help:

• Go slowly. Messages first, then a short coffee. You don't need to fill your diary.
• Notice rebounds. If you find yourself wanting a new partner to be everything your ex wasn't, or exactly what your ex was, slow down.
• Talk to someone. A good friend, or a counsellor. GOV.UK's divorce step-by-step points to Relate for relationship counselling and support.

If your confidence has taken a knock, our guide to confidence after a long marriage is a good next read.

Your adult children will have opinions

Grown-up children often take a parent's divorce harder than you'd expect, and they may have firm views about you dating. You don't need their permission, but you'll want to tell them before they find out another way. Our guide to telling your adult children has a few ways in, depending on how they took the divorce.

Starting gently

When you're ready, start small. Make a profile with a recent photo and a few honest lines. Look around. When someone writes, chat on the site for a while, ask for a video call, then suggest a short daytime meeting somewhere busy.

• Meet in public, in daylight, and make your own way there.
• Keep it to an hour or two: a coffee, or a walk by the water with a café at the end. Our gentle first-date ideas have easy places to start.
• Never send money to someone you've met online, however good the reason. Recently divorced people can be lonely and kind, and scammers know it. Read how romance scams work before you start.

And if the first date is a dud, that's normal too. The tide goes out as well as in.