Your first video call with a date

Why a video call comes before a first date

A video call is simply a phone call where you can see each other. Before you travel anywhere to meet someone you've been chatting to online, it answers two questions at once: is this person who they say they are, and do I enjoy talking to them?

The first question matters because fake profiles rely on never being seen. An Garda Síochána warns about people who ask for a video call but never make one. The second matters because messages only tell you so much. Ten minutes of seeing someone laugh, pause and answer a question they didn't expect tells you more than a fortnight of typing.

So it's worth thinking of the video call as a normal step, not a test. Most people starting again over 50 are glad of it.

When to suggest one

Suggest a call once you've chatted for a while, feel you'd like to meet, and are comfortable sharing a little more contact. For many people that's after a week or two of messages. There's no rule, but a gentle pattern works well:

1. Chat on the site until you've got past the basics.
2. Suggest a short video call, at a time that suits you both.
3. If the call goes well, suggest meeting somewhere public in daylight.

You might say: "I've enjoyed chatting. Would you fancy a quick video call one evening this week, before we think about meeting?" Most genuine people will say yes, or offer another time.

Keep your messages on the site until then. Get Safe Online advises using the dating site's own messaging rather than moving to outside contact too quickly, and moving you off the site early is one of the commonest tricks of romance fraudsters.

Choosing an app

Use an app you already know. If you video call the grandchildren, that's the one you're comfortable with. The main thing to think about is what each app shares.

FaceTime works between Apple devices such as iPhones and iPads, so check what the other person uses. With a meeting-link app, one person sets up the call and sends a link, and the other just clicks it at the agreed time. That can be a good choice for a first call, because you don't need to swap numbers until you've met.

If you do share a number, you can block it later in your phone's settings. Never install an app you don't know because someone you've met online asks you to. An Garda Síochána specifically warns against installing apps such as remote access software at a contact's request.

Setting up: ten minutes beforehand

A little preparation makes the call far more relaxed.

• Light. Sit facing a window or a lamp, not with the window behind you.
• Height. Raise the phone or laptop to eye level on a few books, so you're not looking down at the screen.
• Steady. Prop the phone against something, or use a stand, so you're not holding it at arm's length.
• Background. A tidy corner is fine. Check there's nothing that gives away your address, such as post on the side or a view of your house number.
• Sound. Turn the television and radio off, and test the call with a friend or family member if it's new to you.
• Battery. Charge it, or plug it in.

Then make a cup of tea, and stop checking your hair.

What to talk about

Treat it like the first part of a coffee date. Pick up on things from your messages and ask about them: the walk they mentioned, the book they're reading, the trip they've got planned. Share something of your own week.

Good first-call ground:

• what they've been up to today
• the place they live, and what they like about it
• something from their profile you've wondered about
• what a good weekend looks like for each of you.

Leave the heavier subjects, such as divorce, bereavement, money and health, for when you've met and know each other better. Our guide to your first date in decades has more on what to talk about, and what to leave for later.

Keep it short. Ten or fifteen minutes is enough for a first call. Ending while it's still going well leaves you both looking forward to the next step.

Warning signs during the call

Most first calls are pleasant and a little awkward, and that's all. Now and then, a call tells you something important.

• The camera never comes on, or the picture is always frozen, dark or turned away.
• They only send recorded clips, rather than talking to you live.
• The call is always cut short just as you ask something direct.
• They push for something private: undressing, intimate talk or photos.
• Money comes up, in any form, even as a passing remark about a problem they're having.

Report Fraud's advice is simple: however sad or urgent someone's story, never send money. Our guide to spotting a fake profile covers the other checks worth doing.

Never undress on camera

Some criminals record people during video calls and then threaten to share the images unless they're paid. This is sometimes called sextortion or webcam blackmail, and An Garda Síochána says it can happen to anyone.

If it happens to you:

1. Don't pay, and don't negotiate. The Revenge Porn Helpline advises giving them no time or money.
2. Stop all contact and block them.
3. Keep the evidence: screenshots of the threats, any bank details they sent and the messages.
4. Report it. In the UK, threatening to share intimate images without consent is a crime; call the police on 101. The Revenge Porn Helpline supports adults in the UK. In Ireland, report it at any Garda station, or use Hotline.ie to have content removed.

You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. The crime is theirs.

After the call

If it went well, say so, and suggest a short daytime meeting somewhere busy. Our gentle first-date ideas are an easy place to start, and meeting a date outdoors safely has a simple plan for telling a friend where you'll be.

If it didn't feel right, you don't need a reason. A short, kind message is enough: "Thank you for the chat. I don't think we're quite the right match, but I wish you well." If anything worried you, report and block the profile from the members' area.

New to all this? Online dating for the first time goes step by step from signing up to the first call, and dating safely over 50 covers the habits that keep you safe throughout.