Romance scams: how they work, and how to stop one

What a romance scam is

A romance scam, also called romance fraud, is when someone builds a relationship with you online in order to take your money. It almost never starts with a request. It starts with attention: warm, frequent messages, lots of interest in your life, and a closeness that grows far faster than it would face to face. The money comes later, once you care.

Anyone can be targeted. People starting again after a divorce or a bereavement can be especially open to kindness, which is exactly what scammers offer.

What An Garda Síochána found

In February 2024, An Garda Síochána said 245 victims had come forward in Ireland since 2020, with an average loss of €28,500. Its description of how the scams work will sound familiar on both sides of the Irish Sea:

• Fraudsters set up fake profiles using someone else's photos.
• They often claim to have been married and now be widowed or divorced, with grown-up children, and sometimes say they want something platonic.
• Their profile usually places them somewhere that stops them meeting you, often with a responsible job.
• The requests start small, and early ones may even be repaid to build trust.
• They grow over time, to medical bills, customs fees, flights and visas, or a crypto "investment".
• When the victim starts asking questions, the fraudster cuts contact.

That middle point matters for this site's readers. A scammer pretending to be a widower or a divorcee is pretending to be exactly the kind of person you might hope to meet here.

The stories scammers tell

The details change; the shape doesn't. Common versions include:

Here's an example of how a request often sounds, made up for this page: "I hate to ask, my darling. The site office won't release my pay until the contract ends, and the agent wants £900 to clear my equipment. I'll pay you back the day I land at Heathrow." Any message shaped like that is your signal to stop.

Warning signs, early

Before any money is mentioned, look for these. Two or three together is reason enough to slow right down.

• They want to move off the dating site to WhatsApp, text or email very quickly.
• They won't video call, or the camera is always "broken".
• They always have a reason not to meet, or cancel at the last minute.
• They ask lots of questions but say little about themselves.
• They declare love within days or weeks.
• Their photos look like a model's, or their story has small inconsistencies.
• They ask you to keep the relationship private.

A reverse image search, which looks for other copies of a photo online, can show whether the same pictures appear elsewhere under another name. Our guide to spotting a fake dating profile shows how to do one, step by step.

The rule that stops almost every scam

Never send money, gift cards or crypto to someone you haven't met in person, however long you've been talking and however good the reason. Don't accept money from them either, or let money pass through your account.

Two other habits help enormously:

1. Video call before you meet. Gardaí specifically warn about people who won't video call.
2. Say it out loud to someone you trust. Scams depend on secrecy and rarely survive a second opinion.

On Fish for Silver Singles, every photo is reviewed before it goes live and members can add an optional ID-checked badge (see the ID-checked badge), but what people write isn't checked. You can report and block from any profile.

If you think it's happening to you

1. Stop replying. You don't need to explain or confront them.
2. Keep evidence: screenshots of the profile and messages, and any payment details.
3. Report and block the profile so it can be looked at. Our log-in help page explains how to reach the members' help centre too.
4. Call your bank straight away if you've paid anything or shared details. In the UK, 159 connects you safely to most banks.
5. Report it to the police (below).

Where to report

Report Fraud replaced Action Fraud on 4 December 2025, so ignore older leaflets that say otherwise. In England and Wales, Victim Support offers free help after any crime, including fraud.

Helping a friend or parent you're worried about

Sometimes it's someone else who's being drawn in, often an older parent or a recently widowed friend. Telling them outright that it's a scam can make them defensive, because the feelings are real even if the person isn't.

• Ask questions rather than accusing. "Have you had a video call with him yet?" "What's he said about meeting?"
• Show them the patterns, such as the Garda description above, and let them draw the conclusion.
• Offer practical help: a reverse image search on the photos, or sitting with them while they call the bank.
• Keep the door open. If they won't listen yet, stay close. They'll need you if it goes wrong.

If money has already gone, the bank and police steps above still apply, and the sooner the better.

Getting money back

Since 7 October 2024, UK banks and payment firms must reimburse most people tricked into sending a bank transfer by Faster Payments or CHAPS, up to £85,000 per claim, according to the Payment Systems Regulator. Act fast. Money sent as gift cards, cash or crypto is much harder to trace, which is why scammers ask for it.

Afterwards

Being scammed can feel like a bereavement on top of a betrayal. Be kind to yourself; these are skilled criminals. Talk to someone you trust, and if it's weighing on you, Samaritans answer 116 123 at any time. When you're ready to try again, our guides to online dating for the first time and dating safely over 50 will help you do it with confidence.