Sex and intimacy when you start again over 50

There's no timetable

Sex after 50, and especially after a long marriage or a long time alone, happens when you're ready and not before. There's no number of dates after which it's expected, and no age after which it stops.

Intimacy is wider than sex, too. For many people starting again, the things they've missed most are smaller: an arm round the shoulders, holding hands on a walk, someone to fall asleep next to. It's fine to want those first, and only those for a while. It's fine to want more. The only thing that matters is that you both want the same thing.

Our guides to dating after divorce over 50 and dating after losing a partner talk about readiness more generally. This guide is about the physical side, plainly.

Talk before, not just during

Talking about sex can feel harder than having it, particularly for a generation that wasn't brought up to discuss it. But a short, honest conversation saves a lot of worry.

Things worth saying, in your own words:

• how quickly or slowly you'd like things to go
• anything you're nervous about, such as a body that's changed or a long gap
• whether either of you has had a recent sexual health check
• what you'd like to use for protection.

Consent means you both agree, freely, each time, and either of you can change your mind at any point. That applies at 75 as much as at 25. If someone pushes after you've said not yet, that tells you something important about them.

Sexual health doesn't retire

STIs don't depend on age. Many people who were married for decades simply never needed to think about them, and they can come as a surprise when dating again.

What the NHS says:

• Many STIs have no symptoms, so you can't tell whether someone has one by looking or asking.
• Use a condom or dental dam for sex, including oral sex, until you've had a check-up or been tested.
• Get tested if you think you might have an STI, or if you're having sex with new partners.
• Timing matters: some infections can take up to 7 weeks after unprotected sex to show on a test, so if you have no symptoms it's best to wait that long before testing.

Possible signs to get checked include unusual discharge, pain when you wee, and a rash, but remember that many STIs show nothing at all.

Where to get tested

You don't need to go through your own GP if you'd rather not.

Clinics see people of every age. Nobody will be surprised to see you, and it's a sensible thing to do before a new relationship, not an admission of anything.

The menopause and intimacy

For women, the menopause can change how sex feels. Vaginal dryness and soreness are common, and they're treatable. The NHS says vaginal oestrogen, used as a cream or pessary, is sometimes used to treat vaginal dryness and soreness after the menopause, and that it's worth talking to a doctor, nurse or pharmacist about HRT and the other options available.

A pharmacist can also suggest lubricants and moisturisers, which many people find make a real difference.

Contraception may still matter if you haven't been through the menopause. The HSE says:

• you can stop using contraception at age 55
• if you're 50 or older, the menopause is diagnosed after 12 months without a period, and you should carry on with contraception for 1 more year
• if you're under 50, it's diagnosed after 2 years without a period, and you should carry on for 2 more years.

The HSE also advises using a barrier method such as condoms to avoid STIs, whatever other contraception you use.

Erections, and why they're nothing to be embarrassed about

For men, the NHS says erection problems are very common, particularly in men over 40, and usually not serious. Stress, tiredness and alcohol are common causes, and nerves about a new relationship can easily play a part.

If it keeps happening, see a GP or visit a sexual health clinic, because it can be a sign of a treatable condition such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol or diabetes. Treatment often includes medicines that increase blood flow. The NHS says sildenafil is available on prescription or from a pharmacy, and warns that medicines sold online may be fake, so check that any online pharmacy is registered with the General Pharmaceutical Council.

Lifestyle helps too: the NHS mentions losing weight if you need to, stopping smoking, exercising and keeping alcohol to 14 units a week or less.

Bodies that have changed

Scars, stretch marks, a replaced hip, a stoma, a body that's softer than it was: almost everyone over 50 has something they feel self-conscious about. So does the person you're with.

A few things that help:

• Say it out loud. "I'm a bit nervous about my knee" takes the worry out of the room.
• Go slowly. The first time after a long gap rarely goes perfectly. The second and third are usually easier.
• Laugh. Very little survives a shared laugh, including awkwardness.
• Talk to a professional about anything medical, such as pain, a new medicine or a health condition that affects sex.

Keeping yourself safe

The same habits that keep dating safe apply here. Meet in public for the first few dates, travel yourself, and tell a friend where you'll be; our guide to meeting a date outdoors safely has a simple plan.

Never send intimate photos to someone you've met online, and never undress on a video call. Some criminals record calls and then demand money. Our guide to your first video call with a date explains what to do if that happens, and how romance scams work covers the money side.

At your own pace

Starting again is about more than sex, and there's no need to rush any of it. If you'd like to take the first step, writing a dating profile over 50 is a good place to begin.