Your first date in decades

What's changed since you last did this

The date itself hasn't changed much. The run-up has. If your last first date involved a phone in the hall or a note through a letterbox, here's how it usually goes now.

None of these is a rule. They're simply what most people expect, and knowing them takes away a lot of the uncertainty.

What hasn't changed at all

Good manners, kindness and listening are still the whole game. The person across the table is probably just as nervous as you, and quite possibly also out of practice. People over 50 tend to be far less interested in performance than in whether you're easy company.

Nerves are normal, even at 72. They usually fade after the first ten minutes.

Before the day

A little preparation makes the day much calmer.

1. Have a video call. Ten minutes is enough to see that they look like their photos and that conversation flows. It's also one of the best checks against scammers, who nearly always have a reason they can't appear on camera.
2. Agree the plan in writing. Where, when, roughly how long, and what you'll do if it rains.
3. Choose somewhere you know. A café you like, a walk you've done before, a pub with a quiet corner at lunchtime.
4. Plan your own way there and back. Drive, take the bus or book a taxi. Don't accept a lift from someone you haven't met.
5. Tell someone. A friend or one of your children: who you're meeting, where, and when you'll message to say you're home.
6. Charge your phone.

Our gentle first-date ideas suggest easy places, with a rain plan for each.

What to wear

Wear something you feel like yourself in, and comfortable shoes. You don't need a new outfit. Smart casual covers almost every first date: clean, pressed, nothing you'll fiddle with all afternoon. If it's a walk, dress for the weather and bring a layer.

The most attractive thing anyone can wear on a first date is still an easy smile.

What to talk about, and what to leave

Talk about now and what you enjoy. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Some easy starting points:

• where they grew up, and where they've lived since
• what a good weekend looks like for them
• something they've learned or started in the last few years
• a place they'd love to go back to
• books, music, telly, the garden, the dog.

Leave for another day:

• the full story of a divorce or a bereavement (a sentence is enough)
• detailed health worries
• money, salaries, what your house is worth
• politics, unless you both clearly enjoy a debate.

If your marriage or your late partner comes up, a short, warm sentence is perfect. "I was married for 31 years. He died two years ago, and this is my first time trying something like this." Then back to the present. Our guides to dating after divorce and dating after losing a partner have more on this.

Paying, and other small awkward moments

The bill. Offer to pay your share. If they insist on treating you, say thank you and offer to get the next one. Nobody over 50 is going to be shocked by either.

Hugs and handshakes. A handshake or a light hug are both fine. Follow their lead, and don't feel you have to do more than you're comfortable with.

Silences. A pause isn't a disaster. On a walk, it's hardly noticeable. In a café, a question about the view or the cake usually restarts things.

Phones. Keep yours away, except to check in with your friend.

If nerves take over on the day

A racing heart in the car park is normal. A few things help:

1. Arrive five minutes early, buy yourself a drink and sit somewhere you can see the door. Being settled first is calming.
2. Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in, two or three times. It's a simple way to steady yourself.
3. Have two questions ready in case your mind goes blank: "How long have you lived round here?" and "What's been the best part of your week?"
4. Remember the other person is nervous too. Saying so can break the ice: "I'll be honest, this is my first date in about thirty years."

If you really can't face it, it's fine to postpone with a polite message, as long as you do it in good time. Most people would rather rearrange than meet someone who'd rather be elsewhere.

Ending it well

Aim to leave on a high, while there's still more to say. If it went well, you can simply say so: "I've really enjoyed this. Would you like to do it again?" If it didn't, a friendly "Thank you for coming, it was nice to meet you" is enough at the time.

Afterwards, send a short message. If you'd like to meet again, say so. If you wouldn't, be kind and clear rather than disappearing. There's no need to wait a set number of days.

Keep it safe, without making it grim

Most first dates are pleasant and uneventful. A few habits keep them that way:

• Meet somewhere busy, in daylight, and travel yourself.
• Keep your home address, surname and bank details to yourself for now.
• Leave whenever you're uncomfortable. You don't owe anyone a reason.
• Never send money to someone you've met online, however long you've been talking, however good the story. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, scams can be reported to Report Fraud on 0300 123 2040; in Scotland, call Police Scotland on 101; in Ireland, go to your local Garda station.

Our guide to romance scams explains the stories scammers tell, and meeting a date outdoors safely has a fuller checklist.

If it's been a very long time

If you've never used a dating site, start with online dating for the first time, which goes step by step from making a profile to your first video call. And if your confidence feels thin after a long marriage, confidence after a long marriage is written for you. When things go well and you start to think beyond first dates, sex and intimacy when you start again over 50 covers the honest basics.