Dating when you're a grandparent

A full diary is a good thing

Lots of people dating over 50 are grandparents, and some look after their grandchildren every week. That's a sign of a full, loved life, and it's attractive, not a drawback. The trick is to be honest about it from the start, so the person you meet knows what they're signing up to.

Most new partners in your age group will have families of their own, and many will be grandparents too. You may find it's one of the easiest things to talk about.

Say it on your profile, without oversharing

A line or two about family tells people a lot about your week and your values. For example: "Grandmother of three, with the little ones every Saturday. Free most evenings for good conversation and better cake."

What to keep off your profile:

• photos of your grandchildren
• their names, ages, schools or where they live
• anything that shows your daily routine in detail, such as "school pick-up at 3.15 at St Mary's".

That's not paranoia. It's just sensible on any website where strangers can see what you post. Our safety guide has more on what to keep back at first.

Keep early dates and family time separate

For the first weeks or months, keep dating in its own compartment. Meet on days you're not looking after anyone, and don't bring a date along to the swings "because it's easier". It isn't easier for the children, who may wonder who this person is, or for their parents, who'll hear about it at bedtime.

It also gives you space to find out whether you actually like this person, without an audience.

Talk to your grandchildren's parents first

Before a grandchild meets someone you're seeing, talk to their mum or dad. It's their call as much as yours. Some parents are relaxed; some will want to meet your partner themselves first. Respect that, even if it feels over-cautious.

Things worth agreeing together:

1. Whether and when the children will meet your partner.
2. How you'll describe them. "Grandma's friend Pat" is usually enough for young children.
3. What happens on your days with the children. Will your partner sometimes be there, or not yet?
4. Childcare. Who's in charge, and who isn't.

If your relationship with your adult children is still finding its feet after a divorce or a bereavement, start with our guide to telling your adult children.

Introducing a partner to grandchildren

When the time comes, keep it short, light and ordinary. Children take their cue from the adults around them, so if you're relaxed, they usually are too.

• Pick a familiar, neutral place. A park, a café, a beach walk. Not their bedroom at bedtime.
• Keep it brief. An hour is enough for a first meeting.
• No pressure to like them. Don't ask children to hug someone they've just met, and don't ask afterwards whether they "liked" your friend.
• Don't change routines straight away. If you always do the reading at bedtime, keep doing it.

Teenagers may have stronger opinions and are entitled to them. Treat them as you would an adult: tell them yourself, listen, and don't force friendliness.

Childcare and a new partner

However well things are going, don't hand childcare to a new partner early on. That means not leaving them alone in charge, not asking them to do the school run, and not letting them bath or change the children, until the relationship is long established and the children's parents are completely comfortable.

This isn't a judgement on your partner. It's simply how careful families work, and a good partner will understand it straight away. If someone pushes to be alone with your grandchildren early on, take that seriously.

Time, energy and resentment

Dating takes time, and if you're the family's main childcare, time may be short. It's fair to want an evening or two of your own. Most adult children would rather plan round a regular night off than feel you're quietly frazzled.

Say it kindly and give notice: "I'd still love to have the children on Saturdays, but I'd like Thursdays free from next month. I've started meeting people." Keep promises you've already made, and don't let a new romance make you unreliable overnight.

When your partner has grandchildren too

Two grandparents dating means two sets of family calendars, birthdays and school holidays. It's worth talking about early, kindly and practically.

• Compare diaries, not loyalties. Agree which days are family days for each of you, and plan dates around them.
• Don't compete. Their grandchildren aren't rivals for your time, and yours aren't for theirs.
• Meet each other's families separately at first. Merging two families at one big gathering is a lot for everyone, especially children.
• Talk about Christmas early. It's the day most likely to cause hurt feelings if nobody has planned it.

If it becomes serious and you start to talk about living together, our guide to money, homes and living together covers the practical side, including wills when both of you have families to think about.

Family-friendly dates, later on

Once a relationship is settled and the parents are happy, there are easy ways to include the children without making a big thing of it. A walk by the sea with an ice cream at the end. Feeding the ducks. A junior parkrun, the free 2k event held on Sunday mornings for 4 to 14-year-olds and their families in the UK and Ireland, where adults can walk alongside.

Keep the first ones short, and let the children set the pace. Our gentle first-date ideas include places that work well for families too.

Your own family history

If you're a grandparent who's divorced, your partner may have grandchildren from a marriage that ended badly, or you might. If you're widowed, grandchildren may talk about their grandad or grandma openly and often. Let them. A new partner who can listen to stories about the person who came before, without flinching, is worth knowing.

If you're dating after a bereavement, our guide to dating after losing a partner covers the feelings that can come with it, and your first date in decades helps if it's been a long time.